charles (lonebronxpunk) wrote,


due for an update, are we?

item 1)
I am moving to Brooklyn. And it's about damn time. See I posted a bulletin if you're on there. Apparently, sources tell me the neighborhood's gentrification name is BoCoCA. Which has no ring to it whatsoever. But it has a cock in the middle of it, so that's cool. Anyway, stands for Boerum, Cobble Hill & Carrol Gardens. I just figure it's somewhere between Park Slope and Carrol Gardens, which is good, because, Carrol Gardens is not too far from Red Hook, and Red Hook is home to the best restaurant in New York, I don't care what the magazine says. You should find me at 360 Van Brundt Street weekly, at the very least. The apartment is fantastic, long and cold and great for lounging and drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes out windows (see item 2, below). I'm moving into one of the two free bedrooms with Emily. Well, not *with* her. I'll be in one of the free rooms, she'll be in the adjacent one. Our own personal tree house. Really. The rooms are above the living room, accessible by ladder, with a porch-like(!) landing. We were thinking of painting the outside walls with a jungle motif. I want to set up lawnchairs outside the rooms so that we have a common area reminiscent of a sub-urban back yard. My commute to work will be twenty-five minutes by train, probably less if i bike over the near by manhattan bridge. Come visit. Keep watching for information about a house-warming shindig.

item 2)
I am again a smoker (see above).

The problems with not smoking, which i attempted to adress with first nicotine-replacement and then will power, are emotional at their root and need to be adressed at that level before i can quit confidently. The physical withdrawal isn't bad, it's the human interaction that follows and i don't know what to do with my self. Because the cigarette is a crutch, and i know it but even that self awareness doesn't make it any less effective. I smoke because i like the aesthetic of smoking, but i also smoke because i don't see myself as capable of social interaction as a non-smoker. When I wasn't smoking, I didn't want to be in groups of people outside meetings, and when i was, it was all handsinmypockets, shouldersup, lookingattheground. Not cool.

item 3)
I am happy with work. I'm not paid enough, and i work too much, but I really really enjoy cooking, want to get better at it, like that i've commited myself to a career path at least and don't have to worry about that anymore (and only 22--almost 22, really).

item 4)
BUT: i need to write more. because i still want to do that. so there.

item 5)
I'm in a relationship? Maybe. I don't know. Yes. So this girl that I was friends with, and then made out with, and then found myself in a relationship with, which scared me so I ran. Hmm. Basically, that's it. And it had happened before, but for some reason this time the pattern emerged and I was ready to change it. One of the excuses I had for not being able to be in a relationship with this woman is that I was still hung up on my ex. But the fact is, when I'm single, I don't really think about her all that much. It's only after I get involved in something new, hang around for a few weeks until the novelty and excitement starts to wear off, and then start imagining Sarah as an excuse to extricate myself from possibly becoming intimate with another person. And my therapist kept asking me that the litmus test for any relationship should be to ask, "is my life richer with this person?" And my answer was yes, in spite of my fear, I missed being with her. So. I wrote an email because actually communicating this stuff is next to impossible in person (see item 2), and we got back together, and it's cool. I'm terrified, and want to run away and don't think I can give her what she needs or she can give me what I need, but I'm willing to try anyway, and see what happens instead of letting what might happen prevent *anything* from happening.

I saw Before Sunset last night. Fantastic. Much better than the first, maybe because even though I'm closer in age to the first movie, I've lived a lot and relate to the jaded, hurt in love nine years after aspect of the second movie. I don't know. Questions were raised. Is passion more powerful/important than commitment? I miss the passion of Sarah, which was really drama, and self centered interest in making her be interested in me, which kept my interest in her alive, because she couldn't give me what I wanted so I had something to keep shooting for.

And I want to go all High Fidelity on my exes, ask Kristina what she thinks my problem is, blah blah blah.

For now, I'm just trying to go against my impulses and see where that takes me.

It seems there's been a rash of people who don't usually post updating and that's a good thing. I'll try to be more consistent with this, promise. This qoute keeps being helpful. Against Me!, "this just isn't love, it's just a remorse of a loss of a feeling."

And I'm changing my user info. Check it out.
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