charles (lonebronxpunk) wrote,

  • Music:

ah life,

i was off to a meeting this morning then the smoking that my car's engine was doing led me under the hood where i was struck by the sight of green pungent drops of antifreeze for the second time in a month. so the car's at the shop, i'm watching a mighty wind until i have to shower and leave for work at four thirty.

my lip is, i hope, on its way to healing.

the post-break up adrenalin which lasted for far longer than it usually does led me to believe that i was over her. the crash was postponed and (maybe?) worse. but this week i looked back on my year, and if i'm honest with myself, i know that sarah aside, i've been struggling for a very long time. and so it's back into therapy for me, to see what i can do about this. i refuse to get wrapped up in self-pity. or to post about it inscesently (how do you spell that?). but the signs are there. i don't sleep. i'm not interested in anything. i can't write. i feel overwhelmed by life and decisions and opportunity. i feel small and less-than. and i've spent a year trying to figure out what i'm doing wrong, and there's nothing. i think if i could just eat better or sleep more or do more exercise or smoke less or drink less coffee i'd be o.k. if i were more spiritual or better at being sober. and since i'd been with sarah, i convinced myself that it was just stress. that being in a relationship was hard and that i was dealing with that the best i could (which wasn't ver well) and that was it. but i keep trying to fix something when maybe the only thing that's wrong is that i'm not capable of fixing anything until i fix the fact that i'm depressed. but...who knows.

and top of all that, if i were adressing depression directly i might actually be motivated to *do* the things that make me feel better.

and i FINALLY finished the writing that i'm supposed to be doing.

so. another late night, work until eleven and i'll probably be awake until early tommorrow if anyone's interested in "chatting."
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